I'm so not ready for this.

Tomorrow marks the 50-day countdown!  50 days until I leave China and return to the States.  

50 days until I get to see my family and friends and have the comforts of home again...
Sadly, I have to remind myself that I should be stoked about going home; to be honest, I'm terrified.  I've been told that it'll be harder to go home than it was to leave, that everything will be different from what I remember, that the home I'll be returning to won't be the same home that I left, and that it'll be a bigger culture shock to go back to the States than it was to come to China.  When I came to China, my life back in America was basically put on hold, but everything and everyone else kept moving forward.  I'm truly grateful that so many of you have made such huge efforts to include me in both joyful and painful life events.  I've heard about a lot of really exciting changes for my friends and family: engagements and weddings, new babies, moves to exciting places, new jobs, and life dreams being realized!  I've also heard about a lot of devastating changes: deaths, divorces, unemployment, terminal diagnoses, and difficult life-altering decisions to make.  It's heartbreaking that I haven't been able to be with you to celebrate joyous occasions or to grieve through crises; hearing about those things, instead of experiencing them with you, makes them seem somewhat unreal and I keep telling myself that not that much could have changed in just a year.  But not knowing what I'll be returning to is only partly what terrifies me; I think the even bigger part is knowing what I'll be leaving.

50 days until I have to say goodbye to everyone and everything that I love in China...
At some point in the past 9ish months I've come to view this place as my home.  My teammates have become my family.  My co-teachers, local university students, the volunteers at Taiyuan Teens (China's version of Young Life), and other foreigners have become my close friends.  My students have become some of the greatest joys in my life.  It's heartbreaking to know that I might never see most of these people again.  I've (mostly) learned to embrace an entirely different way of life and it has become my reality.  It's hard to comprehend that many of the things that are such a huge part of daily life in China will suddenly feel irrelevant once I leave. 

I'm terrified of going back to the States and being completely overwhelmed by how different everything is.  I'm terrified of feeling like I'll be intruding into the lives that kept moving forward while my life was 17,000 miles away.  I'm terrified of wondering if I'll belong there anymore. 

Embarrassingly, that was the end of my update and I almost clicked "Publish" to share with the world my rant of self-pity and lack of trust in Father.  Graciously, Father stopped me and reminded me of some of His truths:  

50 days until I get to see Father's provision in entirely new ways!  Have I seriously been complaining because I'm worried about what I'll face when I return home?  Don't I believe that He will guide and protect me through all trials, big or small?  We're told that "everyone born of Father overcomes the world." 
50 days until I get to follow Father to the next part of our journey together!  Didn't I tell Him that I would follow Him to the ends of the earth, to serve wherever He chooses to lead me?  Did I only mean that if it was to exotic places among unreached people?  Shouldn't that also mean to my hometown, among my neighbors, even in my home Fellowship among Brothers and Sisters?  
50 days until I get to serve Him among my home community!  We're told to "share with His people who are in need."  Isn't that why I'm going back, to get my M.Ed. in Counseling so I can work with disadvantaged people?  No matter where in the world we are sent, He will always provide us with opportunities to serve His children. 

Thank you, Father, for constantly providing such a faithless daughter with Your grace and mercy.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to serve You.